


The Infinite Words I'll Say For Love

by SmallerSounds



Category: Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Character Study, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Canon, garden scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 17:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18997276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmallerSounds/pseuds/SmallerSounds
Summary: The emotional baggage both of them held requires nothing less than an argument to sort of its wrinkles. Nothing less than a second chance. Nothing less than a last separately brewed cup, back in a secluded garden, where it all began... and end.





	The Infinite Words I'll Say For Love

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for a selected group of people I came to love and support, but it’s also largely for myself. Personal closure, you could say. Though that doesn't mean I'll be getting over it any time soon
> 
> It’s quite long and disorganized but I hope you’ll stay with me.
> 
> The setting takes place on the night of 000’s ending.

* * *

 

Night time is often not as quiet as one assumed it to be. Not when turbulent thoughts rape the ship haggard and leave it stranded in an endless sea of unfilled self-prophecies. He _wants_ to believe he’d moved past this.That last meeting was all the confirmation he needed.

Sandalphon peers outside his window. Glittering speck of lights color the black canvas of the sky with immeasurable distance. He focuses on the most prominent speck, staring, not expecting it to shines brighter, as if to meet his eyes.

For the past two millennia, Sandalphon has done much of gazing; out from the lab, out to the skies, and from behind six immaculate wings- anchored to a back carrying the weight of the world. Staring, not expecting them to embrace him, as if to confess the depth of _His_ love.

Needless to say, stargazing has fortunately merit itself un-ranked, on Sandalphon’s list of actions that should be considered unbecoming of the so-lauded Supreme Primarch. Then again, not that he was meant to hold the position long enough to devise his own standards.

A night breeze sweeps through the atmosphere, accompanying a tune to his word-less exchange with Venus; a tune Sandalphon doesn't recognize. Instinctively, he expects the chill air to bites at his skin, but there’s only the gentle intrusion of clarity on his fog-ridden mind. He closes his eyes and welcomes the stampede of rushed memories, forming into coherency.

* * *

 

Memory of a petite garden, accessorized with a round, pristine teapoy and two identical chairs. He sees two figures; so immersed in their own little cosmos, the quiet symphony of silverware against glass does little to deter them from getting lost in each other's presence.

Sandalphon doesn’t remember how he arrived here in this place, nor does he understand why it’s in his instinct to briskly assume this is yet another dream, another vision, an unspoken inheritance to Lucifer's power.

But it's not the same. Not really.

This time is different. His mind still possesses the same clarity it did, when he vowed himself to see through Lucifer's final wish, and when he was allowed to see Lucifer again, in that realm... Clearer still, than the cascade of tears unburden by his mental bay in some nights, when nightmares spared him less mercy than he would've to those degenerates that have wronged Lucifer.

_It was me. I betrayed him._

They took a greater toll on him than he'd realized; greater than he'll be willing to admit- as though there's another being in existence he would deems so privileged to be privy to such personal insight. Sandalphon have chastised himself for these bouts of vulnerability; an attempt on his Ego that in doing so, perhaps he can still salvage any degree of dignity remained.

Imagine that, the almighty Supreme Primarch, rendered emotionally wrecked because of mere nightmares. If he ever dared to voice it out loud, Sandalphon’s sure he would laugh...

His listless form continue to drifts through the esoteric space when comes a sudden shift in his vision.

Everything always happens too quickly, too abrupt, for Sandalphon to elicit a proper reaction. Much like the reunion transpired early on today, there were too much he wanted to say - _needed to tell_ \-  but not enough time to even form syllables.

The irony is not lost on him; for time-less creatures such as they, there never seems to be enough time for him, nor for Lucifer. For the both of them… together.

Sandalphon feels a familiar sensation spreads through his being. It's warm. The sort of warmth that could tenderly suffocate his core and gently scorch his wings. He feels his presence solidify- no longer an apparition looking in from beyond the natural barrier of dream. It feels all too real, all too similar, and that frightens him. For a blissful split of second, he isn't sure _why_.

He's seated. In the same dainty chair as when he saw the previous _him_. Nostalgic scenery quickly invades his vision but just as swiftly as they come, they retreat away to the background as if to make space for whom really matters.

Scarlet irides seek out the center of this world- _his world_ . Seated across from him with eyelids shut and a delicate smile gracing ethereal countenance. A figure brighter than white, illuminating the darkened abyss of Sandalphon's past. Being in such close proximity, he wonders if _this time_ , his core can finally surrender under His radiance and eviscerates- contributing his disposable worth to the tread of evolution.

Disoriented and confused from the sudden transition, Sandalphon raises his voice in inquiry. He needed to confirm his senses haven’t developed enough sentience from excessive abuse to deceive him of idyllic visions.

"Lucifer… sama...?"

Lucifer lifts his head, genuine surprise color his features. It's near comical how well-matched their expressions are. Sandalphon supposes at the very least, Fate is getting a worthy chuckle out of his day.  

"San… dalphon?" Lucifer's voice is puzzled, as if he hasn't been in the presence of a "Sandalphon" mere seconds previously.

Choosing not to dwell on that thought, Sandalphon eagerly replies. "Yes! It's me... But how... how are you here?"

Sandalphon is aware he’s getting ahead of himself. This might be still, an elaborate illusion conjured by his depraved selfish mind. After all, even if they had fare each other with the intention of eventual return, he really did not prepare for it to be this drastic.

Strangely enough, he can't bring himself to be bothered past the initial suspicion. His core resonates with great magnitude - a reaction reserved only for the _One_. In spite of the fact the very same core granted him prolonged pain and suffering by sustaining his being and safekeeping his life, Sandalphon desperately wants to blindly place his trust on it. This time.

_It’s his gift to me, after all._

He knows it may sound self-righteous but could it possibly makes him egotistical by recognizing he was Lucifer’s only?

Not that he needed to know the answer.

"-I believe that question is better-suited for me to ask you." Lucifer breaks through his contemplation.

"What do you mean?"

"I have not done anything to deviate the static condition of this realm. At least, not significant enough to have caused your abrupt appearance." Lucifer says. His fleeting bewilderment is gone, replaced by something else Sandalphon can't quite articulate.

"How can that be...? There was nothing that could've separated my soul..." His mind races through all possible explanation for the phenomenon. If he hadn’t known any better, he would've wager a larger, intricate force is at work. Maybe it's Fate having its merry way with him again; or perhaps it's Karma, toying with his emotions for its personal amusement, an amalgamation of all his sins-

“Nevertheless, it's been a long time, Sandalphon. I'm glad to see you again." Lucifer looks to him with a smile encompassing all kindness. Everything Sandalphon can possibly convey about Lucifer seems all too incomparable to the simple upward curl of his lips.

This time, however, it only serves to fill every crevices of his being with dread.

_A long time? Not even a day have yet passed._

That's when it caught his eyes. Posterior to the terrace where they're sitting, adjacently aligned with the jaded wall, there's a small field of verdant green slightly obscured by wild bushes. Not only green, it's ornamented with little bundles of scarlet joy, much like the "Christmas tree" sky-dwellers insist on constructing during one of their many exaggerated celebrations.

_"I've been repeating that simple cycle for years... decades... perhaps forever."_

Realization strums a horribly dissonance chord within Sandalphon, rendering him speechless. His expression must've degrade to one of sorrow and regret to prompts Lucifer asking in concern. "Sandalphon? Are you alright?"

"Lucifer-sama...I- I'm sorry...I must've kept you waiting."

Lucifer follows Sandalphon's line of sight and quickly seems to understand. A rarity, for a being in possession of unsurpassable knowledge yet so incompetent at comprehending subtle context. Sandalphon knows it's unfair to hold it against him. The Supreme Primarch position dictates these frivolous traits unnecessary. Even if there was a instinctive _need_ , Lucifer did not know how; it was simply beyond his boundary of cognition.

"It is of no concern Sandalphon. I'm sure your duty as the Supreme Primarch requires utmost attention elsewhere." Lucifer lightly shakes his head, messy silver locks caress against fair skin. "I am already content to be able to converse with you, in this moment."

_How long has he been waiting? How much time has passed?_

Time doesn’t exist here, Sandalphon understands more than anyone. He knows it to be true, but it does little to change the monotonous act of waiting.

Waiting to harvest the beans. Waiting for the kettle to boil. Waiting for the other cup to empty.

_...Waiting for me._

He’d grown to despise the word. It snatched the imaginary brush of his mind and plastered across the void such a tragically beautiful scene before him that it was unbearable. He hears the bay breaking- so deafening that his thoughts derailed.

What... was he about to say? What _can_ he say except for the one phrase Sandalphon so anticipated of hearing at every passing mark of the hour, back in those years...

“I’m back, Lucifer-sama..."

“Welcome back, Sandalphon.” The smile returns, with greater force than the last, overwhelming whatever current dismay he harbors at the pitiful sight of Lucifer’s captivity. “Allow me to serve you another cup of coffee. Unfortunately, that one have gotten cold.”

“No! Please... let me, since I wasn’t able to last time. I’d like for you to see if I’ve improve. Just like old time?”

“Haha, very well. I’m looking forward to it.”

A small, white counter stands near the wall to their left, adorn with all too familiar silverware and utensils. The same jars Lucifer used to store unused beans, the same saucers, the same spare cups identical to ones he still has back at the Grandcypher. The nostalgia was enough to make him smile.

Sandalphon takes in the details of his surroundings; sunlight illuminates the space, gracing every crevices with its warmth. Flower vines drapes atop wooden pillars in addition to hanging floral vases here and there. Walls decorated with various framed pins of colorful insects and leaves; the largest frame catches his eyes, a beautiful specimen with 6 segmented parts to its wings. What was once vibrant is now lifeless, yet still confined within the cage of glass for indefinite eternity. Somehow, it painfully reminds him of someone...

He makes his way to the counter, immediately assuming his second nature at preparing coffee; a skill he harnessed for far too long, maybe longer than necessary- perhaps just for this. Finding comfort in the practiced actions, Sandalphon feels himself relaxes.

"You know Lucifer-sama, right before my soul took form, I saw you and another "me" sitting in that chair. What do you suppose that means?"

He hears the clinking of porcelain. "...I suppose you could say he _is_ you, Sandalphon. I discovered the extent to which I can manipulate this space. I theorized my memories and will to be the threads of its foundation. Due to that, 'He' would sometime appears and does little else aside from gifting me with company. Although he has never spoken a word to me once..." Lucifer’s voice trails off.

That would explains Lucifer’s surprise when he suddenly spoke. Though he can only gander as to why Lucifer’s manifestation of him is of a silent one.

"Haha, what's this? It sounds as if you miss me a great deal Lucifer-sama." Sandalphon doesn't fully know why he said that. He only feels the need for more confirmation, more definitive from Lucifer.

Maybe being constantly surrounded by sky-dwellers did a little more than grating on his severely lacking patience.

"Is that... bad?"

Sandalphon shakes his head, his fingers trembled along in sync. "No, of course not. I feel the same way." He lifts two newly brewed cups and returns to the table, placing one in front of Lucifer and the other besides a now cooled and untouched coffee. Sandalphon makes a mental note to drink them all.

“Sandalphon.”

“Yes. What is it Lucifer-sama?” Sandalphon focuses on Lucifer, the ribbon of steam matches his hair.

“Will you be leaving soon this time as well?”

It was like his own memories were playing back in front of him. Only now their roles are reversed. He wonders if Lucifer remembers which one of them had first said that phrase. He fails to recount the times his subliminal wish was subsequently denied. However, unlike the supremely oblivious man in front of him, it wasn't going to be his turn this time. "No, the crew have retired to their quarters when I left. There won't be any distractions."

He prays. Even should the world is keen on stripping him of peace, please let him have this once. Just this one time.

"I see." He hears a noticeable lifts in Lucifer’s voice.

“Ah, that’s right.” Sandalphon begins after taking a sip of coffee - it's fine, as always - “Sky-dwellers’ customs of making coffee have evolved alongside their culture just as you wished for Lucifer-sama. It’s surprising to see bizarre ways they’ve improvised for a single beverage. I was able to experiment with a variety of beans but none tastes quite like the way yours did. I had been searching for it until…”

“...Until?”

Sandalphon sighs. Not one of his usual exasperated sigh but one of fondness. He isn’t confident to say she doesn’t hold a tenuous grip to a special place in his heart. Not that the same can be said for the red dragon.

“The girl in blue, Lyria, she insisted on finding the coffee blend I was looking for. The reason still eludes me to this day but she said she was happy to have learned more about me. Can you understand such logic?”

“It might’ve been her way of saying she cares about you, Sandalphon.”

“Sympathy for a villain who caused her suffering and pain?”

_It’s certainly not out of her character to do so._

The degree of self-preservation Lyria possesses is minuscule compared to the vast expanse of her sympathy. Her beginning shyness and fear of him belie the depth of her concerns; evident from the time she unknowingly scolds him for running off during their Avatar battle, to trivial matter like scrounging for the type of coffee he desires, simply because he couldn’t be satisfied with other equally substantial blends. “What could she hope to gain by doing such a thing?” Sandalphon whispers more to himself than to Lucifer.

“The girl in blue is a special one indeed,” Lucifer have not put down his cup once. It lingers the distance between his lips to slightly below his chin, then back on his lips again. “But it is not difficult to see the inner good in you, Sandalphon. I believe she must’ve arrived at the same conclusion as I have.”

Sandalphon raises an eyebrow. “And what would that be?”

“That you’re worth getting to know and to be understood, despite how you might try to convince yourself otherwise. Perhaps what she hoped to gain, was only your companionship.”

“Companionship?” Sandalphon laughs softly, remembering what Lucifer said earlier about a certain silent somebody. “You and her are so similar in that regard.”

Lucifer nods. “Hmm, that maybe so, but I hope you understand her affection for you is not the same as mine.”

It takes Sandalphon longer than a moment to grasp Lucifer’s implication. Not sure whether or not Lucifer even _meant_ to imply it. He wasn’t particularly shocked at its suggestions, not really. After all, he’d be a fool to acknowledge the feelings he harbored for Lucifer to be anything else but love. _Love_. The label he’d given to the mass of turmoil taking house in his consciousness since the genesis of his existence. He only acquired that name to call them recently, it was given to him yet again, by Lucifer when he was still dormant in that cocoon.

_“To love, and to be loved...The mere notion transcends anything we primarchs are capable of.”_

A bigger fool still, if he considers these feeling to be non-mutual. He knows that now. Reliving Lucifer’s memories has shown him more ways than one in which Lucifer attempted to convey the same sentiment in his gloriously clumsy manner. Sandalphon _does_ understand in fact… only when it's too late.

_Is it? Lucifer is still here isn’t he? I can still tell him._

“Lucifer-sama…” Sandalphon halts then shakes his head. _Not yet_. “A- anyway, she went so far as to traveled to another island looking for a so-called primordial coffee tree,” He sees Lucifer pausing, as if to recall. “It’s your tree isn’t it? Back when you said you wish to introduce coffee to the skies.”

Lucifer looks to his cup pensively. “It would seems that way, yes. Though I am surprised it is still thriving after so long.”

“No, not exactly.” Sandalphon shakes his head. “By the time I arrived, the tree had wilted beyond livelihood. The planter explained it hasn’t produced a single fruit for the past millennia. Haha, you can imagine my disappointment when I learned that, after all the searching...” 

Disappointment would be an understatement. Not only because that tree signified Lucifer’s traces to this realm, but the process of getting there was dangerously reminiscent of his degrading mindset back in Canaan. That his effort would amount to nothing. That he shouldn’t have even bothered.

Somehow, miraculously, it didn’t end up to be that way.

Sandalphon continues. “But something compelled me to approach the tree and before I knew it, the branches were shedding new leaves.”

“The Supreme Primarch’s power…?” Lucifer guesses.

“Yes, it resonated with _your_ power and revived to life.” Sandalphon wishes, in all circumstances, things are allowed to be that simple. “I managed to harvest some and Lyria got her fair share as well. We haven’t been able to return to it since that time, I can only assume that it’s doing well…”

“I’m sure now that the conflict has been resolved, you will be able to return to it once more. Forgive me, but my recollection of its taste is rather vague; I do hope that it was to your expectations.” Lucifer finally places his cup down. Sandalphon sees that it’s empty. “As for yours, it is still as delicious as ever. Thank you.”

“Heh, are you saying I haven’t improved?”

“Not at all. I’m saying I enjoy every cup you make even should your techniques change. And also... to be able to drink one served by you, after so long... it gladdens me to know you yourself haven’t changed, Sandalphon.” Lucifer says, seemingly satisfied.

“I could say the same to you, Lucifer-sama. But I too, hope you understand your gladness is not the same as mine.” Sandalphon hadn’t mean for the phrase to come out so crude, but there’s little he can help when the mild tinge of irritation echoing in the chasm of his mind doesn’t permit him to stop it from escalating.

Lucifer looks to be slightly taken aback. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. Perhaps you find it ironic that for me to oversee evolution, I would be the one resistant to change.” The bland, neutral tone reverberate across the untouched coffee next to Sandalphon’s own. He can almost see rippling waves of emotions reflecting off its surface. His hands subconsciously grip the delicate cloth trailing off the table.

“Have you... ever considered you weren’t given a chance to change?” Sandalphon asks. He looks at Lucifer with unwavering eyes; one in the myriads of habit he’d take no greater comfort in regressing when it comes to confronting Lucifer.

_But I can’t hesitate. Not this time._

The poor, unassuming table cloth under his grip helps alleviate his nerves, albeit by not much.

Lucifer shakes his head, the faint smile that never touched his eyes is still present, but both of them knows the topic isn’t particularly amusing. Far from it rather.

“No, I can’t say I have. In order for me to fulfill my duty as the Supreme Primarch, I mustn’t derail to wish-fulfillment ideals. Deviation from my default state as the overseer of evolution would have interfered with the natural order.”

“Duties, role, the skies, evolution. That seems to be all you ever cared about huh,”

Sandalphon feels _something_ encroaching him at a rate much faster than he can down his coffee on certain deprived days. Frustration? Anger? The same sensation took hold when he cried out and begged for the phantom limb of Lucifer to answer his pleads. The intense sorrow that followed when he couldn't reach Lucifer with the desperation he didn’t know he had. Panic. When the Supreme Primarch’s power encompasses his core at the expense of the person he loves.

There is much he wants to say - _needs to tell_ \- and it was now. He will not regret hurting Lucifer with words for Lucifer needs to hear it as much as he needs to say them out-loud.

“Forgive me when I say I don’t believe you, Lucifer-sama. That you haven't derailed from what you were created to do. I admit I’m not above a liar but I didn’t take you to be one also.” It had been easy for him to spill venomous spite at those of his enemy, but when directing those same poison at Lucifer, each syllables puncture a thousand holes in his well-crafted defense- even if he had meant it all… back on that cliff in Zinkenstill.

“Sandalphon? What are you saying?” Confusion apparent in Lucifer’s voice.

“If you haven’t, then why did you- why would you have passed on your power to the likes of me? It could’ve been Michael, Raphael, anyone else- ” Sandalphon mentally sneer at his pathetic-ness. How can he possibly tell Lucifer anything when the straining of his voice is more audible than the message itself.

“I trusted my request would be able to reach you precisely and I had faith you’d use the power for good. Your circumstances were unfortunate but I know you are not like the despicable being you would have yourself believe. I did what I had to do. For the sake of the skies and for your own.” Lucifer’s demeanor shifts to one of his frequent sternness.

Sandalphon laughs humorlessly. “Aren’t you confused Lucifer-sama? A spare’s role isn’t to forcefully dethrone the original you know, that would only defeats the purpose. Yet… you still did what you ‘had to do’ is that right? Can we end this facade already?”

“I don’t- ”

“Don’t try to deny it!” Sandalphon’s fists come in contact with the table, the furniture shook at the blunt of his force. The coffee cup he had noted to drink now spilled onto pristine cloth, eroding whatever pure trait defined the fabric in its path. Dirty and corrupted. Much like himself.

“Belial... that wretch... he told me how you died. You were at a cradle when they attacked, weren’t you? You couldn’t even _hide_ the fact you were trying to protect me. You didn’t even _try_ to fight back. Why? Why?!? Do you realize how much I want to reject anything that snake says? I killed you Lucifer! So don’t try and tell me you had to do it!” Sandalphon shakes his head, boiling tears rush against the bay but he imagines the motion dispersing them. “You _had_ to die for a pawn…”

“What would you have me do then, Sandalphon? What other method available could’ve ensure your safety? Engaging in battle while you were so near, in that vulnerable state… Do you know what you’re saying? That beast would not have spared me even for trite amusement and he certainly would not have spared you.”

Sandalphon wasn’t sure if he’d hallucinated the masked anger in Lucifer’s voice. A ludicrous thought if he’d bothered to analyze it. No, he was too occupied with the thrill of drawing a reaction out of Lucifer. It’s _exhilarating_. At last, he was pushing all the wrong buttons for a right reason.

“Is that not a more logically course of action to take than forfeiting your life? Do you think I’m grateful you saved mine? You had so many chances to end it all Lucifer-sama; to erase both the flaw in the system and my own suffering. But you refused. During the Rebellion, again at Zinkenstill, and again in Canaan...”

Sandalphon knows all too well Lucifer wouldn’t have committed through the act because that’s just the kind of person he _is_. The light of that fact is what made it so difficult for him to refute what Belial said, as much as he yearns to do so otherwise.

“No... you would rather have me agonize over the point of it all for 2000 years in hell and then to bear witness the result of my egregious crimes. I must say, you may have a penchant for creative punishment Lucifer-sama.”

“I don’t understand-”

Sandalphon lowers his head. Morbid display of death flash through his senses. “I held you... What remained of your body surrounded by stone and debris. I couldn’t understand... what... _why_ you let it happened. You were so weak and-- _dying_ …and I couldn’t stop it. I was so powerless to save you…!” Sandalphon shuts his eyes but the effort proves to be futile when he can still see tears hitting the stained tablecloth behind his eyelids. “Damn it!”

“Then, the presence I felt... was you?”

“Yes, it was me! But you didn’t know that did you? Your message reached me loud and clear but you didn’t hear my cries did you? Did you feel my hands grasping at your hair when you muttered my name for the last time? Do you even remember the last words I spoke to you were of spite and hatred? Yet you still…”  

 _Thought of me in your last breath_.

Sandalphon couldn’t see past the blurry visage of Lucifer due to his tears but he’s not sure he wants to. Beyond the boundary of this terrace is only the reminder the time Lucifer’s spent in here isn’t merely a day’s worth.

Sandalphon is going to lay himself bare for Lucifer to see. All of his morbid thoughts, emotions, and pains. He will make a spectacle of it if he must. Should that disgust or hurt Lucifer in the process, he’s resolved not to hesitate. Not anymore. For Lucifer would not have want it any other way.

He lets out a shaky breath. He couldn’t breathe through his nose, not the mention the suffocating tightness in his chest like all muscles in his body work in union to rob him of air. The burning waterfall doesn’t seem to ease either. He’s not used to feeling like this. Simply being around Lucifer causes great damage to his usual composure, but he can’t say he minds it.

“Sandalphon…”

"How would you feel if I said I wanted to tear the skies apart when you died?” Sandalphon speaks between breath. “Cause a bigger cataclysm so that you’d had no choice but to come back and stop me? If fate demanded one of our lives... you should have let it be mine--”

“That’s enough.” Sandalphon’s head snatch up to catch what he believes to be an imaginable sight. Lucifer, grimacing as though he’s in real pain. He felt something breaks within his core. Maybe the core itself. Can he be sure it’s not already broken?

“How… how can you say that? Telling me to give your life to that beast? He had a vendetta against _me_ , not you. You may hate me for it Sandalphon, but I can’t bring myself to regret what I did. I _don’t_ regret it and I never will.”

“Because it has to be you who makes the choices right?" Sandalphon feels his temper rising once again. "It’s always you who gets to decide everything! Taking responsibility for the cataclysm when it was all my doing! Blaming yourself for my betrayal when you didn’t even know the reason... you _couldn’t_ have known.”

Lucifer shakes his head. The same motion Sandalphon did when he believes it would help disperse the tears. But Lucifer’s never cried, not to his knowledge. _Can he even?_ What does it say about their treatment when Lucifer isn’t even allowed to feel the most base of emotions?

“I wish you would tell me, Lucifer-sama... Is there any point left in us hiding from each other? When you’re like this? You shouldn’t _be here_ and it hurts me so much to see you this way. So please...” Sandalphon pleads.

If their relationship means anything more than mere clumsy affections then Sandalphon believes Lucifer will meet him halfway. That he too, yearns to be known and understood.

They share a small eternity of silence before Lucifer begins. “I--...I was afraid, in that moment…” He speaks not above a whisper. Pausing and hesitating,  as though he’s practicing a foreign action for the first time. “Afraid that if I fail to save you, I would be killing a larger part of myself. Fear… genuine fear consumed my mind and I didn’t want to see what it would do to me.” Desolate azure eyes meet Sandalphon's own, asking permission for something he doesn’t know. “Taking responsibility for the cataclysm… was simply my way of trying to justify my own selfishness. I _used_ you to right my conscience and I hated it. You were more than that. Meant so much more... This place, as well, is only rightful punishment for what I committed against you--”

Sandalphon’s hand reached out first, then came his body, then his feet. The force of his impulse causes them both to tumble to the floor. His arms entrap Lucifer in a tight embrace, his head buried into Lucifer’s shoulder.

“S-Sandalphon?!?” Lucifer props himself up with his elbows, breath hitched from the sudden assault. “That could’ve been dangerous…”

“What’s wrong with being selfish? Who to forbid you the freedom to feel, to _want_ something for yourself? Get it through that head of yours the answer is always ‘yes’ if you had just asked!” He shouts into Lucifer’s shoulder.

“I didn’t want to, because I was content with how things were. Just as you couldn’t see past your own pain, I couldn’t see past what I was given. Was it not my inaction that contributed to your negligence? My selfish wish drove you to hate not just me, but the world. You can’t blame me... for believing I deserve this... _all of this_...”

Hate... Hate, at the time, was the only way Sandalphon could rationalized his purpose for existing. Perhaps he was too habituated to the bliss ignorance- being thrusted into the tendrils of existential crisis only served to amplify his abundant insecurity. Having no outlet to channel those demons, he took it out on Lucifer. Not that there were any other means; lashing out at those damned Astrals meant certain death and by then, the turmoil had warped his ego into the delusion that above all else, _he_ is entitled to life.

All was left for Sandalphon to seek validation from his own fabricated purpose. The internalized incentive was chaotic and haphazardly constructed- he wasn’t too far gone to think a one-man army could actually succeed; nonetheless, it did allowed him to thrive for another 2000 years.

Then came the Cataclysm; extracting karma against the Four Primarchs had been in good fun and game until the girl in blue upsets the imperfect balance of his view like it was in any of her business. Like she actually cared…

And Lucifer... Sandalphon was naive to think he could hold a candle to _Lucifer_. Not as the Supreme Primarch but simply the person himself. Sandalphon was much weaker compared to him in all sense of the word. Even now, Lucifer continues to withstand the blunt force of all things unfair that could possibly befell one man.

He may have despised Lucifer for being unreachable back then but right now… in this place, Lucifer is in his arms once again, broken, but wholesome.

“Lucifer-sama,” Sandalphon detach himself from Lucifer’s shoulder to tenderly hold his face with two hands. His thumbs caress refined cheekbones, marveling at the unbelievable soft texture of his skin. Because _last_ time he’d touched Lucifer’s face was...

“I never hated you, at least... not in that way. I was angry at anything and everything, but the true substance of it... they were mostly at myself. What I said to you at Zinkenstill, I live my days regretting every word of it; and to see you still under the impression that I harbor hate for you… I’m sorry, please forgive me...”

“Does that mean… you don’t despise me?” Sheer relief emerges onto Lucifer's expression. 

“Haha, did you not hear what I just said?” Sandalphon gently shakes his head. “I don’t hate you Lucifer. Not now… not ever. How could I possibly? I only hope, that you find within yourself to forgiv--”

“Of course… I have already forgiven you Sandalphon, for a very long time now.” Lucifer briefly closes his eyes, raising his hand to rest atop of Sandalphon’s own. His face tilting to one side as if to nestle further into the contact of another. If Sandalphon wasn’t so utterly enthralled by the statement, he would’ve thought it was uncharacteristically endearing.

“Thank you… However, allow me to say one other thing. Condemning yourself to this accursed place is somehow ‘rightful punishment’ is absolute bullshit and I will have none of it. As the Supreme Primarch, I order you to never speak of that nonsense again.”

Lucifer answered him with silence; Sandalphon can see fine tune gears turning in his head. He almost wish he’d chosen a better moment to say that for Lucifer’s expression quickly shifts from bemusement to uncertainty.

“I’m afraid that’s easier said than done. I will not voice it aloud at your command, but my mind is insistent on this penance. My position did not allowed me to possess those feelings and the fact that I _did_ \--”

“‘interfered with the natural order’... right?”

“...Yes.” Lucifer purses his lips. His eyes seemingly intent on scrutinizing Sandalphon’s dull night garment instead of meeting frustrated scarlets.

Sandalphon heaves a sigh. Too loudly to be not intentional. “But nature is unpredictable is it not? Isn’t that the whole point? You really ought to take advice from your own book, Lucifer-sama. It was you who suggested discrepancies between a primarchs’ desires and abilities is beneficial in emulating nature’s course after all.”

Lucifer narrows his eyes. “How do you know that? I’ve only discussed that with-”

“Lucilius. I know. I looked into your memories.” Realizing what he’d just revealed strongly convicts him against Lucifer’s personal privacy, Sandalphon quickly explains. “Not- Not on purpose of course! They often come to me in dreams; I guessed I was able to see them due to your powers. At first, I felt as though I’m intruding, but it wasn’t as if I could ask for your permission…”

Flashing back to many restless nights, Sandalphon can’t say for sure if Lucifer’s memories didn’t count as nightmares. Invariably, it imparts him with ample revelations, but never without accompaniment of wrenching sadness for inevitable calamities to come. Each night, he’d make way to his secluded quarter, bearing the conundrum of seeing the passing of his love in indefinite repeats, or to endure centuries old mockings of how little he actually knows of Lucifer. For however many times Sandalphon’s berated others for “what do you know about Lucifer?!”, _he_ was the most pretentious of them all.

Sandalphon clenches both of his hands, grasping small tufts of dawn tinted hair. “Nevertheless, it made me realized something really important.”

“What did you see?” If Lucifer felt the sudden grip in his hair he doesn’t comment on it.

“Many things. It may seems like I’m dodging your question but I don’t know how else to describe it. Distant meetings, pedantic talks, care, worries, hurt… All of it.”

_Things you would never tell._

“Sandalphon…”

He takes in a deep breath. “I realized you only wanted to be a person. A person with companions, feelings, freedom… but everyone -including myself- demanded you prioritize the masses instead of yourself. I’m ashamed that I was too blind sighted to see this through on my own effort and had to rely on these memories to spell it out for me. I’m sorry… again.”

Lucifer gave Sandalphon’s hand a gentle squeeze in response. No longer seeking comfort for himself but rather returning the favor, for Heaven knows they only have each other in this little cosmos.

“I regret I wasn’t able to tell you more in return.” Lucifer begins softly. “You may have already guessed, but I have great trouble articulating these sentiments. After the Rebellion, I often find myself asking if my words have unintentionally hurt you in some ways- if what I _didn’t_ say hurt you more…” Lucifer pauses, he looks to Sandalphon with pleading eyes. “Or how much of what you shared with me were truths.”

Sandalphon tenses. He can’t remember what specific lie he had told Lucifer but truthfully speaking, he can’t count the number of instances when he actually _did_ . He can only vaguely recalls adhering to the unfounded principle that lying was essential to his survival.

_But why?_

It wasn’t always like that and certainly didn’t started out that way. At first, it was nothing more than innocent white lies- offhandedly thrown to spare Lucifer of needless concerns. They were fleeting enough for both parties to assume their truthiness without considering the consequences. It was fine, it was easy, for Lucifer’s smile had been enough for him then...

But as time progress in its natural course, Sandalphon was still detained in his stagnant state and he really couldn’t phantom as to why. His mind fluctuates wildly between the fine fence of optimism and pessimism whenever he was left to his own device. Lucifer offered no assistance to his dilemma by insisting that _“it is none of your concerns”_. Heh, if the spot for Angel of Irony is still vacant, he’d better start applying or the job.

It’s needless to say which side of him won the war. There was a decisive shift in his demeanor after the overheard conversation, but it had been no effort in hiding from Lucifer nor the Astrals. He couldn’t afford to be the open book and so he settled for silence. Lying by omission was better than lying for false hope. Somewhere in between, he’d considered Lucifer in caliber with the likes of those Astrals. A threat. A danger to be avoided and deceived.

Sandalphon tries to ignore the pungent bitterness lingering in those thoughts.

_Ah, that first coffee was bitter as well..._

“It’s true, I have lied to you many times Lucifer-sama.” Sandalphon resumes brushing the contour of Lucifer’s face in silent apology. “Some were for your own good but mostly were for mine. It doesn’t excuse what I did, I know… That’s why from now on, I promise I won’t lie to you again. I may hurt your feelings somewhere in the process but I promise to properly apologize to you afterward.”

Lucifer couldn’t hold back a small laugh. “Haha, you speak as though I’m too delicate.”

“Are you not?”

“...I don’t know.” Lucifer’s voice dips to the lower octave. A tenor few souls has been privy in hearing; not at all like his usual speech accompanied by persistent authoritative reverb.

Who was he kidding- right now, Lucifer even _sounds_ delicate.

Sandalphon flash one of his rather smug smile. “That’s why, to make good on that promise, I believe it’s about time I reveal the truth about the first coffee you served me. It’s been so long ago... you might not even remember i-”

“I do.”

It took Sandalphon a few seconds to process Lucifer’s reaction. He wasn’t lying when he told Captain and Lyria the memory of his first coffee is still dear to him. From the sounds of it, it seems Lucifer feels the same way as well, although probably for a very different reason.

Sandalphon chuckles. “As expected. Well it’s truly unfortunate for me to say it, but it was terrible.” Sandalphon imitates the face he’d often see on unsuspecting sky-dwellers when they specifically request the blend _he_ normally drinks. It’s unreasonably funnier in hindsight, when he himself most likely made that same scowl after his first sip, but Lucifer hasn’t got the good sense to distinguish discomfort from “delicious”.

“Pfft, the taste was incredibly bland and the bitterness almost made me spit it out. Yet you wholeheartedly believed in my compliment.”

“...I’m sorry to hear tha-”

“But!” Sandalphon interrupts, indicating he has more to say before Lucifer puts on his kicked-puppy expression. Sandalphon has never seen it for himself, but a higher force tells him Lucifer is fully capable of doing so. “But I’ve grown to love it… your terrible coffee... Just like I’ve grown to love you.

Lucifer blinked. “...what?”

“I love you, Lucifer. And that’s the truth. You say primarchs aren’t capable of such concepts but I’m not like them. I’m the ‘flaw’, right?”

“Wait- Please wait, Sandalphon. This is too sudden. I’m afraid I don’t understand…” Lucifer stumble on his words.

Sandalphon almost felt guilty for forcing Lucifer onto too many emotions on the spectrum at such rapid speed. _Almost_. His minuscule degree of sympathy quickly capitulates under gratification for even eliciting these reactions out of the former Supreme Primarch. Not a feat anyone can accomplish.

”Sky-dwellers have taught me many things in your absent, Lucifer. They showed me the connection shared between two lovers… a precious bond that can’t be severed. I realized- perhaps… my feelings for you are the same… maybe.”

It’s admittedly still difficult for Sandalphon to declare with all certainty he understands the full depth of what love is; even more tragically misplaced for love to be the subject of self-discovery, to a being whose moral horizon traverse well past terrestrial genocide. No… it isn't about just him. It’s stopped being about him the moment Lucifer uttered his last wish.

_“Longing for something… yearning for someone… Feeling elation when that desire is realized… Pain when denied…”_

_“If I could be granted one request… I’d like to share one more cup of coffee with you… in that shaded garden…”_

Who will Lucifer have if not a broody brunette to greet him after many returns? Someone whom Lucifer desired and longed for even in the face of Time when it never bothered to care for what he wants.

And Lucifer wanted _him._

It’s here and now that he will fulfill Lucifer’s wishes and more. It’s his turn to answer Lucifer’s questions and more; all in effort for them to reconcile as equals at long last...

Sandalphon admits to not quite grasping the complete implication of “love” but he would like to believe this too, is an act of love.

Lucifer looks to Sandalphon with unease. “Love… You are dear to me as well, Sandalphon, but I’m afraid I lack the knowledge to properly reciprocate your feelings. Would you be contented with a lesser competent person like mysel-”

Sandalphon stifles the rest of the sentence with both of his hands, immediately hyper-aware of the fact he's pressing on Lucifer’s lips. “If you keep talking like that, I'm going to get angry.”

“But that’s really how I feel.” Lucifer’s voice comes out muffled. Sandalphon can feel the movement brushing against his skin; vibrations bombard every nerves as if he’s been struck by lightning.

“I’m not asking anything of you, so don’t fret. On the contrary, I wish you would ask more of _me_ . I know you can’t give me an answer right now but that’s simply because you don’t know _how_.” Sandalphon releases his hands. “I want to teach you, Lucifer-sama, about love and about the world. I want us to experience the skies together. I don’t want to be separated with the pretense that we understand one another because we don’t. Not yet… So please, know that my answer will always be ‘yes’ if only you just ask.”

“Is... it really alright?” Out of his periphery, Sandalphon sees Lucifer’s clenched hands. Tension evident in quivering pulses.

“Yes.” Sandalphon nods.

“I…” Lucifer begins, unsure of his own voice. “I wish to live for the skies but I also wished to live along _with_ it. I was tired… of being so far detached and isolated. Despite so, it kept me thinking that this is the way things _should_ be. That it was safe like this…” Lucifer gestures to their surrounding.

“Here as well. Initially, I was in acceptance of my punishment but--” He exhale shakily. Sandalphon can’t find it in himself to even breathe. It was simply too much to bear. “It’s very lonely here… overwhelmingly so. I convinced myself I’m accustomed to being like this, but when I saw you again that time… I felt like I was saved. Fate granted me a final request but I dare say it was a cruel blessing. The silence became louder after you left…”

“Lucifer-sama…”

Lucifer smiles sadly. “One time, against my better judgement, my resolve waned and it got the better of me; only briefly however, but the damage was dealt. In order to prevent it from happening again, I planted a tree every time I felt uneasy at your suggestion. Thank you, Sandalphon. It has been very helpful.” Lucifer turns his head to peer outside the veranda. “Though I fear it has gotten rather crowded…”

“...You could’ve stopped me you know?”

Lucifer solemnly shakes his head. “You finally confess to me a genuine wish of yours and I have no intention of taking that away. Just as you’ve declared, our situation is reversed and it is only right that I play my part.” Lucifer shifts and reluctantly places his head on Sandalphon’s shoulder, messy bed of hair obscuring his face.

“After our farewell, I may have finally understood what you were feeling in that garden back then… and I hope you can allow me to presume- no, _believe_ I also may have understood you a little more in turn...”

In the distant, Sandalphon hears echoes of memories passed; harmoniously rejoicing with bountiful leaves, rustling in tune as if to encourage someone. As if to cheer them on. The same melody he heard back at the Grandcypher.

“I missed you, Sandalphon. More than you know…”

And there it was. Quieter than a huff of air above a steaming cup of coffee.

“Haha,” Sandalphon lifts up Lucifer’s face with his hands. “I missed you too, Lucifer. More than I can tell you...”

Two skies of blue reunite with two seas of red. The colors clash, of course; a mesh of history recorded by these eyes will only result a chaotic hue, laden with miscommunications and unavoidable tragedies. But even so... it is _their_ color. Imperfect, but complete.

They are impossibly close like this. Lungs breathing in the same air, souls dancing in the same rhythm.

If he leans down just a bit more… Maybe tilts his head just a bit left...

“May I?” Sandalphon whispers.

“What for?”

“This.”

And he did exactly that. Caution was the first priority, but it proves to be unnecessary when his mind refuses to acknowledge anything else but Lucifer’s lips on his own. They felt perfectly soft, but more importantly, they felt perfectly _right_. Their mouths fit together in the most undemanding puzzle, as though their journey for the past 2000 years has been the puzzle collecting its missing pieces one by one, only for the last piece to fall to its proper place, right in this moment.

Sandalphon didn’t expects Lucifer to flinch back however, with his hands cradling both side of Lucifer’s face, he was helpless from tumbling forward, crashing their lips together once more in the midst of surprised gasps.

The impact cause their noses to collide before meeting each other’s lips again with more forces than anyone would’ve liked. Dull pain spike through his awareness just enough to fear the hidden rejection behind that flinch. Sandalphon drew back just enough to mutter a quite “sorry” before glancing up to see translucent droplets escaping azure eyes.

_Oh no..._

Lucifer blinked, seemingly snapping out of a daze. He stared down to his red ribbon, now stained with scattering tears, confusion color his features as if he can’t quite believe they came from him.  

“Lucifer? Hey now…”  Sandalphon reaches up to gently wipe at Lucifer’s tears. His guilty conscience relucts, not wanting to worsen the situation.

“F-Forgive me, Sandalphon. It is not your fault. I’m not sure why I reacted this way. It’s just-” Lucifer exhale heavily. “It hurts to breathe.”

“I know.” Sandalphon circles his hand around to pat at Lucifer’s head. “Then… May I call this tears of joy? Or have I just committed a sin with greater penance than death?”

“Please don’t say that…” Lucifer frowns slightly.

“How else will I explain to your adjutant that I made her Supreme Primarch cry?”

“I could ask the same to you.”

Sandalphon feels a kind warmth swelling at the nostalgia of their old banter. “Hah, that was my first time sharing a kiss with someone. I’m glad it went well.” He glances at Lucifer, clearly in distraught if one were robbed of context. Any outsider viewing this scene would indubitably assumed a one-sided harassment had occurred, not an intimate confession of which was supremely clumsily executed and not to mention millennia overdue. He can’t help but laughs at the nonsense. “Hahaha, not really, right?”

Sandalphon withdraws his hands and push himself up. His legs almost gave in to numbness due to his awkward straddling on the floor. Quite the unfitting location to have a heartfelt conversation now that he considers it; either way, who to say Lucifer would’ve open himself up if they had been in any less unconventional place.

He steadies himself with an unconstrained determination and stands with a new strength in his stance. He held out a hand for Lucifer to take.

“Come with me, Lucifer.”

“Where are we going?” Lucifer asks, unfamiliar redness embellish his gaze.

“Out of here, of course. I’d be damned if I leave you here alone in this wretched place for a second time.” Sandalphon turns his head to view the full sight of Lucifer’s residence. It’s nice and cozy enough, but lacks a distinct quality of genuineness, as though the idyllic surroundings function as a mirage to mask the true lonely soul underneath.

Lucifer places his hand on Sandalphon’s own and pulls himself up. He looks to the direction Sandalphon is staring and shakes his head. “I... cannot. My soul is bound to this place. It’s not possible for me to-”

“I don’t care! I’m not leaving you here!” Sandalphon raises his voice. If Lucifer isn’t going to get angry at this unwarranted entrapment then he will. He wish he’d imagine the pang of hurt delivered when Lucifer didn’t even entertain the thought of _trying_ ; ingrained reinforcement has clearly done him more harm than good.

Sandalphon laces his fingers through Lucifer’s hand, pressing their palms tightly so that maybe, just maybe, Lucifer can sense the same urgency coursing through his veins. “If it’s not too much to ask, I want you to place your faith in me, once more. The four primarchs’ have all entrusted their wishes to me so what’s another? Allow _me_ to be your solace, Lucifer, and I will be _your_ guidance.” He smiles. “‘I believe you know how to return. All you need do is spread your wings and follow your heart’... Was it?”

“Yes…”

“Let’s go see the skies together, just the two of us. We finally have time to recover what was lost and I want to be with you for every wound we mend. If you’ll have me…”

Lucifer doesn’t answer him immediately. Sandalphon sees him scanning the blank canvas of his artificial blue sky, one that holds many a secrets to what he envisions a future with Sandalphon would be.

After a few moments, Sandalphon sees him smiling. A smile that says perhaps, he’s ready to- no… _wants_ to- become a part of that future. A part of reality un-barricaded by shielded intentions and overflowing with mutual respects. Because that’s simply what they are. _Equals_. The only wait they need left to do is one in which skydoms and its inhabitants are ready to welcome Lucifer back with open arms.

Lucifer turns his head to meet Sandalphon’s eyes and nods. “I’ll be in your care then, Sandalphon.”

“Yes! You can depend on me! Now… it is time for you to get some rest.”

Seemingly following his command, Lucifer’s form begins to slowly dissipates. Myriad speck of lights envelop them both, casting their surroundings into blinding bright whiteness.

“What will I dream about?” Lucifer quietly asks.

“Anything you wish. My memories are there for you to pass time.” Sandalphon breaks into a faint smirk. “They’re not all bad I promise. If it makes you feel better, all the good ones involve you.”

“And the bad ones?”

“Well, don’t expect me to spoil it all now. You’ll just have to see for yourself.”

“Sandalphon?”

“Yes?”

“Will you be there when I wake up?”

“Yes. Of course. Have I ever gotten back on a promise?”

“No… I suppose you haven’t.” Lucifer closes his eyes. Lifetimes of suffering and endurance display on his weary expression. For once in a very long time, a calm drowsiness escorts him to a state he so longed for. A state of peace. The personal paradise he's convinced himself to have lost forever...  “I was wrong on my account before… you _have_ changed, Sandalphon. You’ve become much stronger now...”

Sandalphon takes a step forward and push their foreheads together. “Did you think making coffee was the only thing I learned from you?”

“You flatter me.”

“Then… Good night, Lucifer...”

“Good night, Sandalphon.”

Then Lucifer was no more. Sandalphon watches as the hand he’s been holding transforms into a pillar of light. Brilliant rays and bright flecks dances around him, kissing his skin and giving one last embrace before converging inward, seeking their rest in his soul. He nearly staggers at the immense energy; his mind finally registering an unfathomable happiness seizing at his fractured core. Sandalphon lets out a final sob as the realm crumbles like the walls of their own making... and cease to exist.

Back in his quarter on the Grandcypher, Sandalphon is hunched over the window frame, seemingly in a deep slumber. First light of dawn takes its shy peek under the horizon; the morning star glows prominently in the still darkened sky, glimmering with greater radiance than ever… welcoming their return.

 

END

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know Venus might not exists in this universe, but for imagery’s sake please consider it so ;;
> 
> Give praise to @ryuenji on Twitter for giving me insights on Lucifer’s character and a better impression of his speech overall. Thank you, really. Please check out his stories as well. 
> 
> Share with me your thoughts :,)


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